It's me, G.

2010-12-15T00:05:00.003+08:00

It's been a long long time since I last blogged. I realised the only reason I blog is because Im lonely and right now I feel god damn alone. There'll be more depressing posts now.

It hurts so much to even think of letting go everything. Especially that one dream that I've always secretly have of us. I've always wanted my first love to be my last.

I still love him.

2010-02-22T21:50:00.003+08:00

Everybody see's it's you
I'm the one that lost the view
Everybody says we're through
I hope you haven't said it too

So where
Do we go from here
With all this fear in our eyes
And where
Can love take us now
We've been so far down
We can still touch the sky

If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, Yeah

Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never meant to race
I always felt the need for space
But now I can't reach your face
So where
Are you standing now
Are you in the crowd of my faults
Love, can you see my hand?
I need one more chance
We can still have it all

If we crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love, Yeah
Back to love, yeaaah

Everybody see's it's you
Well I never wanna lose that view

So we'll crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl

So we'll crawl
Till we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So let's crawl, let's crawl, lets crawl
Back to love
Back to love yeah
Back to love

2010-02-21T21:50:00.002+08:00

The past two weeks had been rough. Right now things are slowly getting better. I just hope it will work out right this time. Two months of fued is more than i can take. It drained me. Now that that's ok, im dealing with my on-going assignments. One after another. It's pressurising especially when final year exams is in two weeks from now. I just wana get my first year over and done with cuz there's other things in life that im looking forward to.

2010-02-10T18:00:00.003+08:00

The first thing that was on my mind the moment i woke up this morning was him. It felt like waking up in a dream. It felt unreal but this is the path i've chosen for now. So i have to face every painful moment of it.
There was a valentine's day song dedication hour at school today and a familiar song started playing. A gush of memories flashed in my head and tears rolled down my face. I couldn't hold myself together for a moment. I feel lost knowing that there's no one beside me to get me thru.

2010-02-10T00:17:00.004+08:00

It's only been a few hours but i wish i could see his face again. This is so hard but i know i made it seem easy. Im good at hiding my emotions. It's my weakness and strength. The thought of not being able to kiss those lips again kills me inside but this is a sacrifice i have to make. I love him enough to let him go. I wish him hapiness that i've never been able to give. Im not moving on. I just need time to find out what i really want at this point.

p.s. Maybe not forever, but definitely always. Im sorry...

2010-02-05T15:59:00.002+08:00

It's raining heavily outside. Im home alone. Being in an empty house makes it harder to bear the loneliness. All i have is my blog and myself. So here i am. Listening to sad songs by myself. How pathetic. I cant help but to hear it over and over again. I've always loved this song..

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

2010-02-04T23:34:00.002+08:00

I fucking hate when im left hanging like this. Not knowing what's the outcome. It's kind of like i know what's gona happen but i dont really know.. but i just want it to get it settled. There's too much damage done. We're both emotionally exhausted. My soul is crumbling down. I cant handle it much longer. It's a burden to wait even for a few days. It's my last straw. I have nothing left in me. I cant even remember his smile. All i see is wrath and hatred. Im yearning for the love we had before. It was what made me strong. Now im weak and fragile. Is this what love is? It sure is not easy. I didnt know what i was in for. I hate the fact that im young and that im still learning.. because i made stupid mistakes and wasted something that could've been special. I dont know what else to think. My thoughts are blurred. My feelings are stirred. You're alone without your friends... but Im alone without you.

p.s. I love my blog. It doesn't do anything but 'listen'.

2010-01-10T01:56:00.002+08:00

I cant sleep.. even though i want to close my eyes and dream that everything's perfectly fine. Im lost for words.. i dont know.. sigh..

2010-01-05T22:28:00.002+08:00

I've never felt like this in my life before. Guilt, sorry and pain buried within my soul. Pain that i've inflicted on myself. So many times i've said i wish i could take it all back but i can't. And i've always said i believe in honesty.. but i have become a heartless monster who hurt the only one i care about. I've lost myself. I want to run away and find myself again but i can't bring myself to leave him. I don't want to lose him. I need him to help me be a better person. Im sorry sayang.. i hope you'll forgive me one day.. i love you.

2009-11-28T15:21:00.002+08:00

Oh my god... i had a blast last night! Me, my siblings and cousin went to watch New Moon! I was expecting to watch it next week Thurs or somethin but yst was so unexpected. It was an awesome treat from my cousin. Afterwards we went for Sisha then back to my cousin's to play a little bit of guitar hero. This movie is more accurate than the previous one. Im satisfied.. it's not disappointing this time. I definitely wouldn't mind watchin New moon again. Haa.

2009-11-14T16:17:00.004+08:00

I'm so dead bored at home right now.. Again, no plans this weekend. That stupid APEC thing is holding my boyfriend back. Anyway i've been thinking about life at home and my relationship with my family lately. For 18 years of my life, i've always thought that i have a perfect happy family but lately i realised that im a stranger in my own home.

My mum ask me the same repeated questions everyday, i dont even need to hear it before i could give her an answer. It's always, "where are you going?" "what time are you coming home?" "where are you now?" etc. I don't recall any questions that makes me feel she really cares about me. A simple "how's your day?" would mean a lot to me if it comes from her.

My dad never talks to me besides scoldings and small comments. We dont have full conversations with each other. Usual mornings when we go out at the same time it's just a long silent walk to the elevator, then a long silent elevator ride down, then i'd salam him and go off seperate ways. We dont even sit on the same couch or eat dinner together.

My brother is irresponsible, selfish, disrespectful, arrogant, disgusting, a jerk, an asshole, and whatever negative you can think of. He steals money from his own sisters and i dont think he's even remorseful about it. He enters the girls' room(me and my sisters) and takes things without permission. He eats, then go to sleep leaving the plates on the table unattended expecting someone to clean up after him. He blasts the music so loud so oblivious to his surrounding. His throws used clothes all over his room. I just, almost hate him. That's because we're blood related. I would never live with him if i have a choice.

My sisters.. well, they're the only family i can open up to.

Sometimes i feel frustrated that noone understands me at home. Nobody makes me feel welcome to open up to them. That's why im always conserved and quiet. I've grown up in that kind of environment and it's so much a part of me now. So much a part of me that it affects my relationship because i dont express myself well and it's hard for me to open up at times.

I wouldn't want my own family to be like this. I just wish this could change. The best i can do now is to just change myself.

2009-10-17T15:21:00.002+08:00

hey.. feel like i should delete this dead blog of mine. Anyway, I went to china for a week during the school holiday. It wasn't as much fun cuz there's no great food and nothin much to shop or do. Overall it was a good experience though.
Im going to a birthday party tonight at Scarlet hotel. So far that's the only plan i have this weekend. How boring.. oh well.
I miss Kyle.. It's no fun without him. :(

2009-06-08T11:40:00.002+08:00

Im finally blogging again. Been real busy since school started. A lot of commitments.. school, work, 2 cheer teams and a bf. wow. Loads of assignment, shows and competition coming up. Any updates check out fancrew cheer or legacy blog.

A few highlights from the past few weeks..
-Met and trained with B.U.
-Achieved a nice layout basket toss!
-Went to Night Safari(first time) with classmates.

Will update as soon as i can get my hands on my blog..

2009-04-01T17:32:00.002+08:00

Forever and always...

That time is here again
Prepare to be apart
And it drives you crazy
Each time I go away
The distance gets longer
But it makes us stronger

Should it all come crashing
Down around me
Would you be there
Should I stumble and fall
And pick up the pieces?

Forget about the shit that we've been through
I wanna stay here forever and always
Wo-oh-oh
Standing here in front of all of you
I wanna stay here forever and always

These days are dead again
It's empty from the start
And it drives me crazy
The hours drift away
It hurts to remember
This will soon be over

Should it all come crashing
Down around me
Would you be there
Should I stumble and fall
And pick up the pieces?

Forget about the shit that we've been through
I wanna stay here forever and always
Wo-oh-oh
Standing here in front of all of you
I wanna stay here forever and always

Forever and always
Forever and always, oh
Forever and always, oh
Forever and always...

2009-03-09T23:41:00.005+08:00

Yes, Danceworks 09 is over. Not technically though. Fantastic Girls didn't make it to the finals. So it's over for us, at least. We were sad of course, after all the hardwork, all the sweat and blood. No, im just kidding. There were no blood. On the bright side, the way i usually like to see things, we won the Best Costume award. =) Which means group dinner most probably. Im more than happy to get a free dinner. Food is a comfort zone.

A thought just crossed my mind. If i could ever pause the special moments in my life, one of it would be the moment i perform on stage because everything else just disappear. All my problems, worries and stress goes away for a while. Feeling powerful and egoistic. It feels good. It's unrealistic yet so real and I think that's the core reason why i love dancing.

2009-03-06T00:06:00.007+08:00

Danceworks is finally nearing. Right now, i don't feel an inch of excitement. My feelings are sort of numb because im in a dilemma. A decision i have to make that i might regret. Im not sure if it's just temporary but have you ever had that feeling that it's time? Time to let go. What makes it difficult is that it revolves around people that matters to me. I dont know why im feeling this way. Maybe it's a mixture of personal issues and frustration. I don't blame anyone at all. Just me.

My unusual behaviour have caused someone to get hurt. I do feel bad especially when it's suppose to be a special day. Im sorry.. Im not the greatest best friend afterall. If im still even considered a friend at least. That is why i think it'll be better if i just take a step back for the meantime. Till i get a grip of myself.

Im on my own with this because i can't seem to get someone who understands it. Well, at least im not trying to. I feel so lonely more than ever. Again, i don't blame anyone. I can't fathom it myself. I need time to think it through. Maybe my feelings would change. I dont know. Only time will tell.

2009-03-04T14:45:00.003+08:00

This song reminds me of us...

She's staring at me
I'm sitting wondering what she's thinking
nobody's talking
cause talking just turns into screaming
and now it's I'm yelling over her
she yelling over me
all that that means is
neither of us are listening
and what's even worse
that we don't even remember why we're fighting

So both of us are mad for nothing,
fighting for nothing,
crying for nothing,

But we won't let it go for nothing
nothing, it should be
nothing to a love like what we got

oh baby, I know some times it's gonna rain
but baby can we make up now
cause I can't sleep through the pain girl
I don't want to go to bed, mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no I don't want to go to bed, mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me

And it gets me upset girl
when you're constantly accusing
asking questions like you already know
we're fighting this war baby
when both of us are losing
this ain't the way that love is supposed to go
what happened to working it out?
We fall into this place where
you ain't backing down
and I ain't backing down
so what the hell do we do now?

Its all for nothing,
fighting for nothing,
crying for nothing,

But we won't let it go for nothing
nothing, it should be
nothing to a love like what we got

oh baby, I know some times it's gonna rain
but baby can we make up now
cause I can't sleep through the pain
girl I don't want to go to bed, mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no I don't want to go to bed, mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me

oh baby, this love ain't gone be perfect
and just how good it's gonna be
we can fuss it and we can fight
as long as everything is alright between us
before we go to sleep,

Baby we're gonna be happy

Baby I know some times it's gonna rain
but baby can we make up now
cause I can't sleep through the pain
girl I don't want to go to bed, mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me
no I don't want to go to bed, mad at you
and I don't want you to go to bed, mad at me.

2009-02-16T00:01:00.009+08:00

The day before yesterday was Valentine's Day and i had a date with my boyfriend. It was typical to celebrate the occasion but it meant something to Kyle so i just went along with it. To me it was a make up date for not spending enough time with him recently. It was annoying to see girls walking around holding a bouqet of flowers or teddy bear in their arms with a guy next to them being all nice and gentle. It's like as if it's an image you have to potray on that day.

I question myself, why can't it be this carefree during most days in a relationship?
Why does Valentine's Day have to be all mushy and lovey dovey? The significant date has no meaning in the relationship then why celebrate it?

In my point of view, Valentine's Day is everyday because love shouldn't be measured or be a significance of a specific date. It is celebrated every other day when you are with your loved ones.

Besides my thoughts, I did have fun with Kyle, and i appreciate all the things he has done for me including every other day of the past 7 months he spent with me. Thank you, my love.

2009-02-01T21:34:00.002+08:00

Two days ago i had my first Fantastic Crew performance of the year. Being a part of Chingay parade for the second time was ecstatic. It's so much fun performing with the ones close to my heart. Now that the big show is over, Fan Crew is now focusing on the upcoming Danceworks 2009. Something i look forward to working with new people, or new friends i should say. Practices are officially commencing this weekend.

2009-01-04T12:40:00.002+08:00

Its the first weekend of the new year and it has not been a good one for me and my boo. We had two big arguements consecutively in one night. It was really frustrating and i almost gave up but i know i can't. Not now. Not ever hopefully. He's in camp now and i miss him already. I hope the one week seperation would bring some good to us.

After 2 years my phone finally gave up on me and now im using my grandma's for the meantime. Coincidentally and luckily im getting a new phone this weekend once i get my pay.

Chingay practice is now on this Wed. I've planned out what im going to do this year and more plans comes with the need of more money. Financially it's gona take hard work to make it work as im gona be a full time student and supporting myself. If it all works out, it's gona be a great year ahead.

2008-12-28T22:44:00.003+08:00

Today is my baby cousin's 1st birthday. Initially i planned to celebrate my birthday as well but it didnt happen. I wasn't in the mood because of my monthly cramps so i couldn't care less. So far i've only got 2 birthday gifts. Not that im expecting to get a lot of it because I got used to being forgotten every end of the year. December is the month when i spend a lot on gifts because of the festive season and my fellow capricorns but i like giving though. It makes me happy. There is so much to think about at this time of year too, the plans and preparation for next year. Well, im just hoping that my 18th birthday wouldn't suck because 18 is a special number to me.

2008-12-13T00:08:00.003+08:00

It's been almost a week you've been away and i already miss you so much. I've been sick for four days now. I've consumed all sorts of medicine but all don't seem to be working on me. I think my only cure is you, my angel. 6 more days to go. Hang in there ok.

Yesterday was our 5th month anniversary. How i wish you didn't have to go to army so i could be with you whenever i want. I can't even spend a whole decent day with you until after chirstmas. I hate that. Even though i occupy myself with work and friends, the moments i spend with you is nothing compared to anything else. But of course i do love my friends and appreciate them. I'll be waiting for this Friday to see you sayang..

2008-12-06T03:22:00.003+08:00

Last night's cheer training was interesting because we had a combined practice with Denvers at Potong Pasir cc. I was cursing about the location at first because it's an hour plus journey from Woodlands but it paid off with an air conditioned room and new mats. I missed training with mats. Anyway, the highlight of last night's training was my achievement to do a layout basket toss. Well, tried at least. I need more practice to get it perfect but i actually think i did very well for a first time! Haha. Im ecstatic and proud that i faced a fear that i've been dreading for so long.

Not forgetting, a big thanks to Denvers, especially the flyer who taught me the layout toss. After around 4 years of waiting for someone to teach me, and also to gather my courage, i finally did it! So ya, i really appreciate the guidance.

Another good news is, Kyle is booking out tmr. Sooner than i thought but it will still be 2 more weeks to book out after he books in again.

One bad news that really upsets me is that i can't get a replacement for my show next Sunday as i've already signed a contract, so i can't make it for my cousin's wedding which i was really looking forward to because it would be my first time attending a wedding by the beach at Sentosa and plus i already bought a dress for the ocassion. It's heart breaking because she's the only cousin im close to and i want to be there at her wedding and it's a chance for a family gathering so i could spend time with my sisters.

Like they said, life's unfair so i have to suck it up and deal with it. At least on the bright side, i've got a new dress for free. (my sisters bought it for me) hehe.

2008-12-01T01:06:00.002+08:00

2 more days..

Its bugging me because i've not been away from you for that long.. I got to be strong because this is only a small test in this relationship. Im just thinkin too much about it i guess.

And yes.. i changed my blog skin again. I do that whenever im bored. Went out with my sisters and mum today. Girls day out. We went shopping and we bought dresses for my cousin's wedding. It's really cute. I'll post it when i have the photo.

2008-11-29T03:52:00.002+08:00

Im glad things worked out for us baby.. In fact i think we've grown stronger. Four more days to go till you go into army. I'm gona miss you. I can't even get thru 3 days without seeing you let alone 2 weeks. I'm sorry i have to work on our 5th month and on your birthday. I'll try my hardest to be with you whenever i can.

As for the fan crew camp, it was a disappoinment because it didnt turn out as enthusiastically planned. I also have to suffer the aftermath of the hot weather. Sunburn and breakout.. I hate it.

By the second night i was really tired and slept throughout the night while the rest were playing games and stuff. And not forgetting my baby took care of me the whole time because i had gastric. I felt bad for it because he didnt sleep the night before and i dragged him along. I just wanted to spend the night with him but i fell asleep.

Today i woke up with a major headache. My head was spinning all around. Thought i was gona pass out. Feel better now. Think i should cut down on my smoking. Its takin a toll on me. I feel lethargic most of the time. So i didnt smoke the whole day today. Yay. I'm gona be busy next week so no updates for while..

2008-11-15T16:15:00.004+08:00

It seems like so long but it was only last night..
No more messages ending with 'love you..'
It hurts so much when i think of you..
I don't know if i can go on like this..
I cry myself to sleep..
I cry when i wake up and think of you..
Forgive me for the times i've hurt you..
And for times i made you feel you're not worth for me..
I loved you all along..
I still do..

I need you because you make me feel beautiful,
because you make me feel safe around you,
because you make me feel special,
I love the way it feels when you kiss me,
When you hold my hand,
when you play with my hair,
I fall deeper for you when i look into your brown eyes,
When i hold you tight,
When i fall asleep in your arms..
And the list goes on..

And i definitely love the way you love me..

That is why i need you..

2008-10-29T18:51:00.002+08:00

Here's a review of my weekend. The highlight was definitely Avenged Sevenfold concert last Friday. It was overall an awesome experience. The only part that was annoying was entering the hall but once we entered, the rest of the night went fine. The whole experience would be perfect if they played a bit longer but i left satisfied anyway because they played my favourite song, "A little piece of heaven".

On Sunday i went out with my colleagues. We had a store outing but me and Fai didnt stay the whole night. After bowling and dinner, we went off to Cineleisure to watch Street Moves dance comp. The night ended with Classick holding the victory title. My day wouldn't be perfect without seeing my love so i went to Yishun later that night to meet my angel.

Tonight I have my weekly cheer training at RP. We have a guest coming down to check out our team. Hopefully we'll recruit a new member soon. ;)

2008-10-18T16:01:00.007+08:00

The 12th of this month was Fantastic Crew's raya outing day. Not many people came along but i had fun. That day also marks the 3rd month of my relationship with Kyle. It has not always been easy with us because of complicated pasts but im glad we pulled through. It's been pretty interesting and i hope we'll grow stronger and learn more about each other in time to come.

As for my dance life, im currently taking a break. I have not been dancing for about a month now. I needed to take some time off and focus on my work and home. My room is cleaned up and i've been working. It's getting pretty boring so im looking forward to start dancing again.

Enough said, there is one thing that has been on my mind for sure and that will be Avenged Sevenfold concert on the 24th nxt week! This would be my second concert and i at least have a rough idea of what to expect because the last time i went to a rock concert, i honestly thought i was gona get human-crushed. This time im going with my bf so i've got nothing to worry about. Im looking forward to it. ;)

2007-12-15T22:37:00.000+08:00

Today i woke up at noon in an empty house. My parents and bro went off to malaysia this morning, and my sisters went off to work. Had a lonely start of the day. Made myself lunch, watched some tv and got myself ready to go to the hospital to visit fai's dad.

As if being lonely at home wasn't enough to affect my mood, fairul was late. It wasnt as long as an hour or so but i still do hate waitin for people. Thirdly, i was expecting to see someone tonight. Someone i miss, but that person cancelled the meeting cuz of some last minute shit. And it's not the first time it happened, so of course i was more disappointed but i didnt express it to that person.

Then the rest of the day was monotonous as i sat on the hospital watching a hindustan movie with fai on a portable dvd player. It wasnt entertaining me that much cuz it was a love story. It only reminds me of how sucky i am at it, or pathethic i should say. Yea, i know im still young but im starting to think if love exist in me. Is it me or is it just not time yet. Im not sure if im capable of loving someone because everytime i do i'd end up hurting myself. Sometimes i even misunderstand infatuation for love. Most of the time actually.

I just cant undertand why apart of me feels lonely even tho i hv friends and family around me most of the time. It's like something's bothering me but i just cant fuckin figure out what it is. Right now im feeling very down because im wishing someone is here with me so badly. Well, i guess that person would never understand what im feeling. Lookin on the bright side, im lookin forward to dance practice tmr. At least i'll be seeing someone that can make me smile, even just for a while, it'll brighten up my day. yea.

2007-12-09T02:05:00.000+08:00

Been sometime since i last updated this good-for-nothin blog of mine.

Well, for now nothin much is happenin in my life.
It's always been the same old shit this whole draggy year.
Work, dance, lepak.
Period.

Started a new band last month. It's all for the sake of fun, for now at least. Not plannin to make it big anytime so0n. Gotta start from the bottom and make our way up slowly. But yea, we've got 2 originals already.

Dance life's been interesting for me. Yea. It's a whole new different atmosphere and pace. Kinda strugglin but gotta get used to it. I just cant wait for our first show this countdown. It'll be a night of ecstacy.

Right now im feelin a lil fucked up cuz i hate being left hangin. Not knowin wads goin on. It sucks. No news bout tmr's plan. I hate startin a day without the right mindset.

Most of my close friends are out clubbin now. Gettin tipsy and havin fun, while im stuck at home updatin my god damn blog. Life's a bitch right now.

Human beings are unpredictable. You can never know what they are really feelin or thinkin. Sometimes we say things we dont mean. Mixture of bizzare feelings gushin in you like a waterfall. The confusion makes it harder to think. The answers you cant get bout the uncertainties you have in mind. Some things are not meant to be understo0d. Thats wad they say, but i believe there's always a logical theory to a mistery.

Ive been tryin hard to please myself. I guess i gotta fathom myself before i can start searchin or rush into a new phase in life.

2007-09-29T04:57:00.000+08:00

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for
No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free
To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry about everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could
Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you

2007-09-23T21:45:00.000+08:00

Life's been pretty rough for me this year. Didn't go as planned. And things seems to be takin a toll on me. I don't know if im being to0 selfish or am i just followin my heart.
Am i to blame? It's even harder not to know if i can trust the most important person in my life anymore.

Wakin up everyday to reality hurts. The truth indeed hurts. And im tryin my very best to stay positive and move on cuz everythin i do reminds me of him.

For the first time in 3 years, i kept away the picture of me n him that was on my desk. Even though i still have him in my life, somehow i feel i lost someone so special. I wish things would be the same again but i dont know if it can.

This is a poem that i wrote..

I'm right in front of you
But you dont see me
And i cant understand
If we're meant to be
So much we've done
So much we've been through
Everything i do
Is inspired by you
The way your voice seems
To make my day
There's so much inside me
That i cant say
I keep on waiting
This feeling so strong
And it dont matter
If it's right or wrong
You'd rather lie
Than see me heart broken
But it is mine
That you have stolen
Sometimes i wish
You never happen
Is this real
Or is this heaven
I want you to know
Before it's too late
You're the most beautiful mistake
I've ever made.

2007-07-30T15:55:00.000+08:00

I've been busy with work and dance lately.I started dancing again a month ago.Got a lot of catching up to do.I'm still considered new at it so my confidence as a dancer is quite low but i've been training and doing my best at performances n competitions.

My team is Dome Urban Aura.We'll be joining forces with Phat Inc. for the Suntec Dance Competition this september.Our aim is to have fun and give it our best shot.Of course we wana win but IF we dont,then it's ok.It's the experience that counts.

Anyway, there's been a change of plans.I would not be taking my private o level this year, due to some problem and i plan to go to Fitness course in ite nxt yr.So after the two year course,probably i'll go poly and continue my study, or i'll start working as a personal trainer.I know im a petite girl but i've seen some small personal trainers.Anyway, i hope my plan works smoothly cuz i cant imagine myself doin anything else.

As for my love life, im single for now.Not interested in any relationship.Right now im juz enjoying my single life and focusing more on my commitments.Anyway it's hard to find a decent guy nowadays.Most of them are jerks and anals that takes advantage of girls for their pleasure.Been there.Even have thoughts of having a girlfriend, but nah.It's a sin.That's all for now.I'll update more nxt time.

2007-05-10T02:43:00.000+08:00

Well finally im updating again..

First of all, some things had happened in my love life for the past two months..
Let's juz say i don't look at it as a bad thing. To me it was something that happened for a reason. Met a person who managed to bring the joy back to my life even though it was for a few months.
Infact i thank god i met him cuz it made me recover faster than it should be. Maybe i deserve it i guess. It's a lil sad cuz i was hoping it would work out but it's all good. i'm alright. ;)

Secondly, i went clubbing at M.O.S last sat. It was bloody packed. Had a great spot at first but then we wandered around into other rooms. Six of my friends tagged along. And guess who we saw? We met kak Jannah halfway thru. She still looks the same. The songs there are not so good. Most of it are old school beats. And i didnt make out with anyone. haha. Cuz i remember the last time i went clubbing i made out with a cute guy.

It's gettin late now n im falling sick.. great...

2007-04-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

Went to Cheerobics 07 last week. The venue wasnt tt great cuz it's cramped n hot but it was refreshing to see magnum force in their super hot uniform. Even more great to see Tae n Nasau. Miss them both. I was touched when Nasau said she love me. Aww. Love her too.

Magnum didnt win but it didnt matter to me. Trophy is just a thing. You dont have to see to believe but believe to see. I believe they are champions. That's that.

Well, my life seems to be a lil monotonous. Same routine every week. Work, study, go out with friends. But those moments with friends are fun though. It's just that i expected this year to be more adventurous n full of surprises. I even have to plan sumthin new n fun each week to keep me alive.

People keep telling me im still young these days. Been hearing it too much that it's irritating me. I can accept the fact it's just that the way they say it it's as if they're implying im young... n stupid. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Im paranoid. Gettin sleepy now. Adios.

2007-02-14T20:32:00.000+08:00

Well, i got my o level results last friday.
Met up with my bitches,fai n syidah before tt.
Then met up with Joe and entered the school together.
We were a lil late and everyone was seated already.
We sat n a teacher came up to us n gave us tissue paper.
It made me even more nervous.
I was like thinking, is it for tears or sweat???
As usual, i was the first one in class to receive the results slip.
I waited for joe n opened it together.
Actually i didnt have any reaction.
It was similar to wad i expected.
Well hopefully i'd be happy to hear the results from ngee ann poly when i call to check next sat.

Today is a boring V day for me.
No date.
Just went to the hospital n grandma's place.
Boring.

But im excited for tmr.
Im going to my uncle's yatch.
I hope we'll be skiing tmr.
Miss it.

Having an outlet bbq this sunday.
My colleagues r all coming.
Im sure it'll be fun.
They'll be seeing another side of me they've not seen.
:)

2007-02-03T17:18:00.000+08:00

It's been sometime since i last updated.
First of all my mum is getting better from the surgery.
now im juz worried for my o levels results which is coming out next week.

So far 2007 has not been a gd year for me.
None of my dreams have come true yet n some of it is even crushed.
no matter what life goes on.
no point for me to cry a river cuz it wont change a thing.
i juz gotta keep on learning how to move on.
My heart juz keeps breakin on and on.
Im not blaming anyone but i juz feel so demoralised.
it's like there's nothin to look forward to anymore.
i dont know what to expect anymore.
im sick of havin hopes for the best cuz i'll end up crushed.
i also feel that im drifting apart from my friends.
i got noone to confide to when im down.
is it bcuz we r busy working or cuz they're busy with their personal life that i suddenly become forgotten.
i really dont know.
i've had enough of hoping for somethin that never came true.

2006-12-11T20:44:00.002+08:00

well a lot has happened. lemme juz catch up things a lil.

well, last two weeks i started my new job which is a part time waitress at coffee club market street. it's a new outlet. my colleagues are so far friendly except for an indian guy i dnt really like. well who cares. aniwae my first day was fine didnt break anything. unlike my unlucky friend who did. broke six glasses sia. luckily he was workin with my sis. im startin to love my job already. cuz since it's new, there's not much customers n me n joe would always dance n sing or sumthin. it's like we hv the whole place to ourselves. coolness.

aniwae i went to magnum training twice already. it was fun cuz it's been sooo long since i train. well i learn a few new things in juz two days. tt is what i mean by improving. not juz stayin in the comfort zone n not improve. i learn single lib n twist cradle from lib n elevator. i also tried out b-toss back tuck x-out but didnt really work out. still need to practice more.

i also joined chingay parade 2007 back cuz o levels is over n i hv some free time to burn. it's called cheerleading but there's no stunts or cheer. juz dance. but im fine with it. the uniform is from bangkok but it's not what i had in mine. but not so bad actually.

my mum is gettin well. but she still havent recover fully though. her wound is still open. i watched the nurse cleaned it once n i felt like fainting. well it's obvious one of my back-up goals cant be achieved.

im attending a cheer clinic this wed n thurs. not sure where it's held but i hope it'll be fun. on sat i hv a mini cheer comp for coffee club. me, joe n fai will be cheerin for my sis n few more ppl frm my outlet. i picture it to be a lil funny cuz we might be cheering in our uniform but we'll see how it goes.

2006-12-11T20:44:00.001+08:00

2006-11-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

It's been three days in a row i've been goin back n forth to the hospital. My poor mum had surgery yst. The sadest thing was that i coulnt recognise her for a moment when i stepped into the ward. She looked so sick. It was painful to watch her. My eyes was filled with tears but i held back. I had to be strong for her.

Upon waking up today i babysitted for a few hours then got ready to pick up my grandma. Alhamdulillah my mum seemed better today. She was just coming out of the toilet when i reached. I was the first visitor of the day. I could see the joy in her eyes when she turned upon hearing me calling her.

Although the exam stress is fading away, the stress of a sick mum n chingay trainings are overcoming me. I have to, i mean i want to cuz it's my passion, come up with suggestions of the uniform n a few counts of dance steps. but i have to sacrifice this week's plan to take care of my mum n do the chores. Argh. i hate chores. n noone at home seems to bother bout the guinea pig. so i have to clean it to0. damn.

Tmr's plan is the same. visit my mum with my grandma again. im really out of time to study for my last paper. i gotta score on this one. seriously. damn. im just so anxious. What if things dont go as planned. It'll be bloody heartbreakin but i wont give up. i mean i cant. if it's gonna suck up a few years then let it be. That's just the way it goes if it doesnt work out. Gotta meet up with my old mate now.

2006-10-24T14:58:00.000+08:00

Yay! today is hari raya.. takin a break from books n papers. i can eat all i want today. nxt week is my o level examination. gotta push my panic button. im still struggling with my art. damn. short n sweet. i gtg now. tata.

2006-10-17T14:14:00.000+08:00

Last fri was graduation day.it was sad to reminise the four years i've been in school. couldnt hold back my tears when i looked into my teacher's eyes n say thank you. he's the most patient bloke to stand my bullshit for 2 years.i sincerely care for him.more than juz a teacher but also as a fren.thank u mr neo.

Aniwae,my nights have been cold. i cant help reminising about the past. i miss the people i had in my life. love songs on the radio makes me cry. n i even hv dreams about it.i feel the pain killin me softly inside. i try not to think about it but i cant let it go. i miss the person whom i opened up to. the person who completed me. i know i've hurt him in lots of ways n it hurts me to think about it. i juz need to be forgiven for all my wrongs before i can move on. i need to know tt he's happy now n has moved on. some people may call me names but im only human. stupid mistakes happen n good times dont last forever. i learnt it the hard way. thanks for all the good times. i wont forget it. it's goin to be a new beginning for me in a month's time. after my national exam but for now i hv to stay focus.

im here without u...
but u're still with me in my dreams...

2006-09-30T20:48:00.000+08:00

my days have been quite tough. especially in school. lots of work to do.but im not preaching.im workin for what i want. i appreciate the support from my teachers n friends.i'll be graduating in two weeks n im kinda excited cuz its the day i've been waiting for for almost four years.but i'll be missing the people that have made a difference in my life. :)

2006-09-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

I'm back. Nothin much happened this week. It's all books n papers. No chingay training today. miss my peeps. Actually i've been feelin light-hearted these days. i feel that there's a whole new meaning to life. i'm happy n i dont waste time tryin to hold down someone else's life. know what i mean. ;) Some things just makes me laugh. haha.

2006-09-07T21:41:00.000+08:00

This week has been quite a mess for me. but the good things are makin it up. on tues went to meet Tae at np. saw bu for the first time to0. yst went to bbq with magnum n bu. only certain ppl are invited. had fun gettin to know them better n much more uplcose. felt awkward at first but their friendliness made us comfortable. it was a fun experience. they are still my inspiration n will always be. so glad to see Tae. havent seen him for a long time. some blessings are disguised after all.

2006-09-03T18:19:00.000+08:00

here i am again. still breathing. A LOT has happened in the past few months. most not so go0d. been goin thru hard times. im not in warriors anymore. had some crisis. its not easy cuz i've spent 2 years of my life with them but life goes on. still hv o levels to focus on. cant think to0 much bout it. i've also lost another love one. someone who was important to me. i guess i wasnt gd enough for him. my eyes are all out of tears. gotta lo0k on the bright side of life. maybe it all happened for a reason. bad things happen now cuz gd ones awaits in the future. after all the rain the sun comes out again. aniwae my studies have not been doin so well but im workin on it. my goal is to get to Ngee ann poly. i juz hope ppl would respect my decision. that's bout it for now.

2005-09-26T19:44:00.000+08:00

Hie everyone...guess who's back. Well, Last sat warriors performed at this event thingy at toa payoh. The overall event suck big time. The organisers were not even organised. we didn't even know where we were suppose to perform. Idiots! But the performance was co0l. Everything went up perfectly except for the basket toss. but it was aight. After tt we went to watch match at taman jurong stdm. damn it. rovers got 5-0 to sinchi. if i'm not wrong. aniwae, it's been a few weeks w/o training. So boring!!! argh. i juz hope i dont lose momentum.

Been feeling lonely these days. Even though i've been hanging out with my close frenz in Warriors. They are the only best friends i have in my life now. Hope it's not another lie.

Nxt week is my final year exam week. i havent even touch a book to revise. Gosh! i gotta wake up. I'll update more nxt time aight. gtg. take care y'all...

2005-09-10T20:11:00.000+08:00

Today we had cheerleading training...quite frustrating but i'll keep on trying. Later then went to hospital to visit my mum. Pity her..she's been admitted for four days already. tmr goin to sentosa to chill wit my sisters...mitin some frenz to0 there...hope too relax a lot cuz it's e last day of hols!!! argh. stress...

i gtg

2005-09-03T00:19:00.000+08:00

Hey wadsup frenz..at last got the time to update. less than a mnth ago i ended a relationship with someone. Maybe he's juz not what i thought he was. Nothing i can do to bring back the person i knew. there was a part of me tt was hating him but i still cant deny the truth i guess. more important thing is tt we still maintain friendship. but there is still tt special someone in my heart. he knows who he is...

2005-06-03T17:56:00.000+08:00

Hye peepz. sry for not updating my blog for a long time. been bz n my internet at home is down so it's hard to update n all. thnkz for dropping by ya. i appreciate it. i really gtg now. take care. peace.

2005-04-09T17:44:00.000+08:00

Hey! i'm back for a while. now at candy's crib chillin. went to tampiness mall to watch magnum performed.quite gd. erm...dont know what to say ar. btw i've changed my hp no.it's ur job to find out if u want it. i cant post it here cuz some muthefuckers would do u knoe wad.aniwae, to MISS JANE TAN OF ADMIRALTY SECONDARY,FUCK OFF FROM MY SKO0L BITCH!!!

2005-03-15T21:03:00.000+08:00

Hey watsup. First of all i wana say thnks a lot to those who support me. I really appreciate it. well, went to teen idol audition this afterno0n.Honestly it didnt go so gd but i'm having faith in myself. i sang if i ain't got you by alicia. i was juz to0 nervous to sing cuz i went there alone besides my 11 yr old cousin. i was still shakin after the audition. i went to the toilet n refreshed myself. after t went to hmv n far east to shop. i bought clothes from clearance sale shop. tt cheered me up a lil'. it was quite a lonely day. only the two of us. missing all my squadmates n peepz. had a wonderful experience last sunday at the cheerobics finals. it brought me to tears. emotional me. well, another audition coming up this sunday. it's dancing this time. i'm really takin opportunities bcuz i wanna pursue my dreams. the audition will be held at raffles. wish me luck again. cuz if i get thru this audi, i'll get to attend pro dance classes for free. i would love tt! n performing in front of medias like channel 5, 8 etc. who doesn't want tt? i mean fame is not all but it'll b a gr8t n fun experience. now i'm baby-sittin for four days at aunt's. gd thing there's internet here cuz i dont hv access to internet at home anymore. life's hard at home. financial problems. aniwaes, this friday live match at cck stdm. saffc warriors cheerleaders will b performing at half time so do check it out aight. oh ya. 1 more thing. NOBODY'S PERFECT, AND MIND YOU'RE OWN LIFE.:)

ps:thnx Hong n Sakinah. appreciate it. (havin probs tagging)

peace.

2005-03-04T13:04:00.000+08:00

Heya...guess who's back. Back again. G is back t0 update what's been g0in 0n wit my life. Well, first of all, the big deal is that i registered f0r teenage id0l. I'm juz waiting for any p0st or calls from 'em. I'm quite c0nfident. H0pe the auditi0n date doesn't collide wit my cheerleading. If not i'm in tr0uble. The Cheerobics heats last Sat was thankfully alright. Not bad. We were better than we thought. Pheww. Good news: Warriors got into the finals, Qie's group got into the danceworks finals t0o. Yeap. I support ya gurlz aite. Not havin enough sleep lately. for three weeks. like hell i cant wait for hols. sleep the whole day. wow. dream come true. I'm single n0w. yay. Free t0 d0 whatever i want without being by anyb0dy's side all the time. Aike...Peace.

2005-02-18T23:28:00.001+08:00

Past days have been ok. not so bad. Today after sko0l went to Syahirah's crib. Her sweet grandmother prepared meal for us. Then later when i was using the computer my peeps told me she was crying. i was in the ro0m. i quickly went out n consoled her. I break down into tears seeing her feeling so sad. She cried cuz one of my fren that was there reminded her of her son. He's now sick n they lost touch. I felt so emotional. I went into the kitchen to avoid her seeing me cry. She told me to love my mom cuz u never knoe wad might happen. It taught an important lesson in life. Never take advantage of what u have now. I appreciate very much n love my loved ones so much. Thnks for makin my life worth it. And for Syahirah's grandmother, i'll visit her daily after sko0l if i have the time. I love her like my own.

Tom is da day. Performin in the zo0. sounds kinda funny. it's like i'm performin for the animals. but aniwae we'll b on the news. lookin forward to wear my uniform for the first time. well, nxt week is "da" week. Common test n competition nxt sat. sway. Cmon G. U can survive. u can do it. hyeah!
Peace.

2005-02-09T09:22:00.000+08:00

My first cheerleading performance...in town. Me doin split in fr0nt. :)

2005-02-09T09:20:00.000+08:00

iLL students after class

2005-02-09T09:19:00.000+08:00

Two gurlz n a guy...

2005-02-09T09:18:00.000+08:00

Our $hoes...

2005-02-09T09:17:00.000+08:00

My new Fren n me...nice knowing u!

2005-02-09T09:16:00.000+08:00

Patrick, Joe & da cutie. ;)

2005-02-09T09:15:00.000+08:00

(Yawn)

2005-02-09T09:14:00.000+08:00

It's us again!

2005-02-09T09:13:00.000+08:00

Me n Sera

2005-02-09T09:12:00.000+08:00

Me n my pal Joe on the way home...

2005-02-09T09:04:00.000+08:00

Last Sun attended the iLLers dance class at raffles coffee club. I was nervous at first but it was fun in the end. I am glad i didnt miss out on it cuz it was quite an experience to get to knoe the people n make new frenz. Also learn dance moves. After the dance class we went to Lau Pa Sat for lunch/dinner. Chatted n got to knoe the students better. Wil asked me to hit a note so i sang for them. The tune of If i aint got you. I didnt do my best but it was still good i guess. Above are some pictures taken on tt day. :)

2005-02-06T10:49:00.000+08:00

Hey. long time since last updated. i'll juz summarise things aite. yst went to dance session. the best part was the special guest. Chapa! ehehe. so cute. aniwae, a 5pm cheerleading. it was alrite but very boring. Captain didnt turn up. Last week was as usual. packed schedule. well, it's the same old things. tts bout all. not much to say. today goin to dance session again. I juz lurve dancing!

2005-01-30T15:53:00.000+08:00

Went to cheer yst. After tt went to esplanade wit Joe n Q to catch the gig. Met Qie, Freeze, cream, lenny, n the rest there. Met Fiddo...a new fren/abg. He's cute n nice. And i saw Taufik Batisah. He was sitting behind me. he's bigger in person. overall yst was kinda fun. today is boring. sunday is always boring cuz tom sko0l. i hate mondays. fucked up. juz wanna say thnx to those who's been there for me aight. lotsa love. peace.